Posted tagged ‘emotions’

No one said it would be this hard

September 15, 2014

This is going to be a very honest post and will seem very odd after my last post. Yes, things are going really well. Yes, my boys have very few issues (currently!). Yes, everyone is happy with how things are going. Yes, I wouldn’t change it for the world. BUT – there have been some really difficult times.

I remember a day early into placement where I spent the entire evening crying over nothing. I decided that I just couldn’t do it and was distraught that I had let the boys down. It lasted about an hour and after a chat with a friend I calmed down but at that moment I really didn’t know how to carry on. It seems ridiculous when I look back but I was overwhelmed by spilled drinks, wet pants and noisy children.

I got over it, it was only a blip and I’m sure there will be more of them to come but I think it stemmed from how difficult it is to have adoptive children placed, particularly older children.

I can only admit it now, because things have improved so much, but for most of the first month I didn’t like my oldest boy. He had a fully developed (and intense) personality and I just found it so difficult to bond with him. We muddled along and I did all the right ‘faking’ but everything he did seemed to annoy me. Then, I felt incredibly guilty for not liking him and that just made it worse and worse. I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about it, because they wouldn’t understand and would judge me as a bad parent or maybe even end the placement! I had honestly decided that I would just have to live with only having one child that I liked and another that I tolerated. How awful! It is really difficult to write down because I do feel terribly guilty about it. I think it’s important to be honest because other people adopting may have similar feelings and I’d known someone who had felt the same way.

Then, one day recently we were eating breakfast and he started being silly (which would usually have my blood boiling and me biting my tongue) but it made me laugh out loud. I laughed at his silliness and realised how things were starting to change. Slowly but surely, this has happened more and more and I realise that I do like him and I know that one day soon I will love him and I can’t wait for that day.

I wish I’d known how difficult it is to bond and I wish that other people (outside of adoption) could understand how difficult it is to suddenly have 2 strangers living in your house!

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Time flies

September 15, 2014

I haven’t updated for a while because I have been just a little bit busy. I feel a bit bad as some of the key times have been missed but children really do keep you busy!

All in all, my experience has been very positive. Move in day (on a Saturday – thank you social worker) went smoothly and everything felt very natural right from the start. I think this is largely a testament to the fantastic work the social worker and foster carer had done with the boys before the move. They, mostly, understood what was going on and were ready to move on. There have been some tough times which I intend to write another post about but largely I can’t complain.

The boys have lived here for over a month now and things get better every day. In fact, just the other day I overheard them talking to each other and they said something which I say all the time. That certainly put a smile on my face – definitely my children!

We had our first placement review and everyone is really happy with how things are going. We continue to have support from the behaviour team but this is mainly as a precaution for expected attachment difficulties rather than feeling hugely necessary.

I will try and update the blog with key dates (like the second review later this year) but sometimes there’s not much to say. We get up and have breakfast and do things that every family does so there isn’t much to tell in the respect.

Time really does fly when you’re having fun 🙂

Link link link!

April 10, 2014

Finally, some good news to share. I have been linked with 2 lovely boys from the LA.

I’m not sure whether I’m technically linked because I think that happens after I meet (and impress) their social worker but I feel so positively about this link.

When I read their profile, I was completely drawn to them. The older sibling is a little older than I originally intended to look at but it just felt very right. Now I am super excited and waiting to hear from their social worker to get a meeting booked.

Exciting times!

Nothing goes smoothly

January 11, 2014

I haven’t updated this blog in an absolute age and I’m afraid it hasn’t been for good reasons.

A couple of weeks after meeting the child’s social worker and being officially linked I got a call from my social worker. Birth mum was pregnant again and it was expected that they would want to place both babies together. Unfortunately, as a single adopter I just didn’t think I could cope with that and had to make the decision to pull out (although I was given the option to adopt both). I took this very hard (as expected) especially as I kept being given news  that could get my hopes up, only for them to come crashing down again.

I had a lovely family Christmas before getting back on the adoption rollercoaster and only one week into the new year already things have been crazy. I was approached about the possibility of another baby and a decision was due to be made about which family to progress with. I then got news that this decision has been delayed for 2 weeks.

I have learnt that nothing ever runs smoothly but apparently I haven’t learnt to keep my emotions in check. So at the moment I’m doing a lot more waiting. Waiting 2 weeks to see if I will be linked with this baby, waiting for the next surprise hurdle and still waiting to become a mummy 😦

Fingers crossed for good news soon!

Panel

September 25, 2013

Well the day finally arrived and I got a yes at panel!

Things have been very hectic and stressful at work so when the day arrived I was tired, stressed and a little bit emotionally unstable. However, once my parents arrived they were a brilliant distraction and I felt myself feeling a lot happier about things.

When I arrived at the venue, we went and sat in a separate room to wait while the panel read and discussed all the paperwork. Then the chairman and another member came through and said they had some questions and invited me to the panel room. There were only 8 members on the panel that day and everyone introduced themselves before firing questions at me. I was surprised by the number of questions but not by the content (even my SW commented that they asked a lot of questions!). I was asked about my support network, how I would cope if a child rejected me, how I thought it would differ to teaching, why I wanted to adopt now and some other more general things (hobbies, description of my house etc).

Once I’d finished answering, I left and my social worker stayed behind for more quizzing. I was a little unnerved by the number of questions but said to my parents that I was pleased with my answers and felt that I’d done all I could so generally happy. Eventually, my social worker returned and we waited while the panel deliberated. This felt like forever and I found myself talking nonstop because of nerves. Finally we were invited back through and the chairman said I’d received a unanimous yes! I couldn’t stop smiling, had tears in my eyes and thanked everyone over and over again while my social worker dragged me out of the room.

As soon as we were out, my social worker gave me a huge hug and I struggled not to cry (but think I just about managed!). Then we returned to my parents, there were hugs and tears all round before we said our goodbyes.

Can’t believe what I’ve been through today but I’m so excited to know that this WILL happen. Now it’s just a matter of waiting but it’s a much more exciting wait so I’m hoping it’ll be a little more bearable.

PAR = done

August 13, 2013

Well this post has been a long time coming but I am pleased to announce that my PAR has now been completed!

It has been submitted to the manager and hopefully everything will go smoothly now for a panel date in September. I am still always worrying about what may go wrong but my SW seems confident that we should breeze through panel.

Also discussed children today. Nothing specific but a refresher for my SW as to exactly what I am hoping for. This has got me unbelievably excited and I am really looking forward to September and hopefully a quick linking/matching experience.

Can’t stop smiling!

It’s like being pregnant

August 10, 2013

Firstly, my disclaimer – I have never experienced being pregnant and am not for a second claiming to have any idea of the emotions/feelings of different aspects. However, I have found it helpful to compare different stages of the adoption process to pregnancy as it helps others (and me) to understand how it feels and that I am allowed to feel that way.

Deciding to adopt – I imagine this is very similar to deciding to start a family naturally. You’re overcome with excitement and just want to have the baby now! Of course, life often isn’t that kind and you begin the LONG drawn out process of trying to fulfil your life’s wish.

Rejected by an agency – I often liken this to a miscarriage. Obviously it is different but some of the emotions must be very similar. To have spent months (or years) preparing to start your family and having done everything right and to have it all come crashing down. You feel that you’ve lost any opportunity to be a parent, you’re not sure if you have the strength to go through it all again and you spend an awfully long time trying to move on.

Accepted by an agency – You’ve just found out you’re pregnant! You want to announce it to the whole world and time simply can’t pass fast enough. However, in the back of your mind you’re incredibly nervous and worried things might go wrong so you only tell a select few people and keep your fingers crossed that all goes smoothly.

Getting a yes at panel – Although I’ve not reached this stage yet, I liken this to the 12 week scan. Finally, you feel confident to tell people that you’re going to adopt because it will happen one day (it just might take longer than 9 months). As you tell people, their excitement rubs off on you and once again, time seems to be moving SO slowly – roll on linking!

Being linked/matched – Like finding out if you’re having a boy or a girl. Suddenly you can actually start preparing as you know more detail about your LO and have a rough idea of when they will come home. It’s no longer something that feels ages away – it is soon and you need time to slow down a little so you can get everything ready!

LO comes home – Your baby is finally here! This is the most obvious comparison as you start your life with your LO.