This is going to be a very honest post and will seem very odd after my last post. Yes, things are going really well. Yes, my boys have very few issues (currently!). Yes, everyone is happy with how things are going. Yes, I wouldn’t change it for the world. BUT – there have been some really difficult times.
I remember a day early into placement where I spent the entire evening crying over nothing. I decided that I just couldn’t do it and was distraught that I had let the boys down. It lasted about an hour and after a chat with a friend I calmed down but at that moment I really didn’t know how to carry on. It seems ridiculous when I look back but I was overwhelmed by spilled drinks, wet pants and noisy children.
I got over it, it was only a blip and I’m sure there will be more of them to come but I think it stemmed from how difficult it is to have adoptive children placed, particularly older children.
I can only admit it now, because things have improved so much, but for most of the first month I didn’t like my oldest boy. He had a fully developed (and intense) personality and I just found it so difficult to bond with him. We muddled along and I did all the right ‘faking’ but everything he did seemed to annoy me. Then, I felt incredibly guilty for not liking him and that just made it worse and worse. I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about it, because they wouldn’t understand and would judge me as a bad parent or maybe even end the placement! I had honestly decided that I would just have to live with only having one child that I liked and another that I tolerated. How awful! It is really difficult to write down because I do feel terribly guilty about it. I think it’s important to be honest because other people adopting may have similar feelings and I’d known someone who had felt the same way.
Then, one day recently we were eating breakfast and he started being silly (which would usually have my blood boiling and me biting my tongue) but it made me laugh out loud. I laughed at his silliness and realised how things were starting to change. Slowly but surely, this has happened more and more and I realise that I do like him and I know that one day soon I will love him and I can’t wait for that day.
I wish I’d known how difficult it is to bond and I wish that other people (outside of adoption) could understand how difficult it is to suddenly have 2 strangers living in your house!